Find out what my childhood dolls were named, and experience 10 minutes of pure chaos in my History classroom, after which time I think you’ll agree that teachers are a very special breed of human.
Summer holidays are nearing the end. There is only one long weekend standing between holidays and back to school. Some parents are rejoicing, others are dreading sending their precious babies back to school (or to school for the first time) and are finding themselves comfort eating everything in sight to help ease the pain. For some it has been a bloody LONG 6 weeks, and for others, not long enough. Whichever category you may fall into, I am sure all parents are a little anxious at the thought of leaving the 'fruits of their loin' at school, under the supervision of their teacher/s. But, at the same time, they are happy for some “me time” and not having to amuse their tribe all day, every day. It’s tiring…..providing them with activities, helping them learn, breaking up fights, cleaning up after them, copping the backchat, feeding them constantly….blah, blah, blah….. the list goes on infinitely, and your patience, as a parent, is tested! Some days, you don’t have ANY patience whatsoever and EVERYTHING frustrates the heck out of you. You find yourself looking at the calendar and crossing off the days until school starts and you can send them to be “looked after 5 days a week with the added benefit of an education”. Don’t worry parents, your little cherubs are in excellent hands, and I promise you that your child’s teachers are MORE PATIENT than you. Don’t believe me? Read on…...
Let me paint a picture. Not the Mona Lisa or Girl With the Pearl Earring, think more on the side of throwing paint willy-nilly at a blank canvas and hoping for the best. Think of your child on the day that they are a bit of a handful. Oh, who am I kidding? A LOT of a handful. On the day where you’ve quite simply, had enough and question whether you really can do this parent thing or not. On the day where you've thought about locking yourself in your wardrobe, just to escape for 10 minutes. On the day when you do the maths to see how long it will be until they turn 18 and are off your hands! Now multiple your beautiful, sweet, innocent pre-teen by at least 25, and VOILA, you are now a teacher with 25 children, the same age as your little darling, sitting in front of you, surrounded by the four walls of a classroom. Does this scene appeal to you? It might if these hypothetical clones of your child, are all being little angels, sitting STILL, in SILENCE and doing EXACTLY WHAT YOU ASK THEM TO DO, the FIRST time you ask. It might appeal to you if they all use beautiful MANNERS, they talk nicely to one another, they play together nicely, they are respectful, they don’t speak out of turn, they are 100% focused….and so on. But, have a quick read of the REAL LIFE scenario outlined below, and see then if you are cut out to be the responsible adult in charge of the education AND wellbeing of your child, and 25 others. See if you also, have the patience of a saint.
Let me set the scene. This is a REAL STORY….names have been changed for privacy reasons. Just so you can learn a little more about me, I’m using my DOLL’S NAMES from my childhood. Photos of said dolls, below, for your enjoyment!
SETTING:Middle School History Classroom. 10:30am. The month is May.
Characters:
Student A:Let’s call her Swimming Pool (yes, I promise you that I named one of my dolls Swimming Pool. Swimming Pool had a twin sister called Alex. I also promise you that I was a very normal child…..)
Student B:Alex.
Student C:Bubby. (Just FYI, Bubby only had 9 fingers. I bit off the 10th…..oops!).
Student D:Nelisa.
Students E-Y: A mixture of made-up, hard-to-spell, hard-to-pronounce names. (Just as a side note, I wouldn’t even be surprised these days if I actually had a student called Swimming Pool appear on my roll!).
Teacher: Me. Mrs Devine.
Just before I outline the classroom scenario, here is a photo of Bubby for your viewing pleasure, getting breastfed. Clearly absolutely vital to her existence.
Other noteworthy moments in my doll's lives......
ACT 1:
Mrs Devine: Ok, so now that we’ve learnt all about the Natural Barriers of Ancient China, we’re going to do an activity. You’ll see in front of you a map of Ancient China. What I want you to…….1
Swimming Pool: Missssssss, my map is upside down on my desk.
Mrs Devine: Ok, well Swimming Pool….all you need to do is turn it up the other way!
Swimming Pool: Oh….yeah…..right. Thanks Miss. Carry on.
Mrs Devine: Okay, so as I was saying, you’ll see a map. We are going to map all of the natural barriers of Ancient China. Who can share one of the natural barriers with the class? Remember that it might be a desert, or a river or mountain ranges.
Alex: It’s my Mum’s birthday today! She’s 32 and we’re going to have an ice-cream cake.2
Nelisa: OOOHHHH MMMYYYYY GOOODDDNNNESSSS, it’s my Mum’s birthday tomorrow!
Mrs Devine: Thank you for sharing those fascinating points that definitely could not wait until after class……Let’s get back to brainstorming natural barriers in Ancient China…..
Bubby: The Gobi Desert and the Himalayan Mountains Miss!
Swimming Pool: She said to share ONE thing…..not TWO things. Leave some answers for other people….nobody likes a know-it-all, hey miss?!
Mrs Devine: Please don’t talk out of turn Swimming Pool. Awesome Bubby! Okay so before I show you a map to copy, has anyone got anything to add?3
Nelisa: Yeah, I do actually. He (pointing to the student next to her) just tried to sharpen his finger in his sharpener and licked the top of the glue stick while you were talking, and he (pointing to the student in front of her) is cutting his fingernails with his scissors. Could ya do something? Also is the Great Wall of China a Natural Barrier? And have you seen that TV ad with the rabbits. You know what I mean hey? My Dad loves it!
Bubby: Ummmm, do you not know what NATURAL means? Jeeeeeeeeez!! The Great Wall of China was clearly MADE BY A MAN.
Alex: I doubt it was made by one man, but anyway………..also, maybe it was a woman! Don’t be sexist. That’s not cool!
Mrs Devine: Bubby is right. The Great Wall of China is what we call a man-made barrier. OK SO HOLD ON ONE MOMENT, Nelisa, I’m going to calmly ask you ONCE to please unplug your hair straightener4, because we are in class, and class time is not the time to attempt to straighten your hair. I can’t believe I am even having to say this…….
Nelisa: *Sighs very loudly*….
THE BELL RINGS……TIME FOR BREAK!
The students run out, and the teacher sits in silence for a good 10 minutes before she even has the energy to walk to the lunch room for break…..
Just elaborating on the numbered points in that scenario:
1. As a teacher, you get interrupted at least 168 times a day. Even though the students know the rules. And the students are always “very sorry Miss!”, but alas, they continue to do it, over and over and over and over and over and over.
2. The responses to at least 70% of questions I ask in my Middle School classes, have NOTHING, I repeat ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the question, or the lesson…at all! Sometimes when a kid’s got to tell you that their Mum’s best friend’s son’s friend’s cousin’s second favourite colour is blue…..it can’t possibly wait!!
3. You soon learn that you need to be VERY SPECIFIC when posing a question. Because really this student did answer my question accordingly. What I didn’t realise at the time is that I should have said: “has anyone got any other natural barriers to add to our map?”. This would have been MUCH BETTER in hindsight.
4. Middle School students often do RANDOM, RANDOM (did I say random?!) things that make you want to kick and scream and sit in the corner for a while until the bell rings! (Sometimes you also want to laugh, and laugh, and laugh!)
A couple of appropriate visuals, that I LOVE:
So, as you can see, teachers are a special breed of human. They are Saints. Every single one of them. Actually, while we are connecting teaching to a higher being, I might just add that teachers are heaven-sent. Teachers are angels, and for any parent who is hesitant about dropping their kids off for another year next week, I assure you that your babies are in very capable, caring, professional, kind and loving hands. I assure you that their teachers will be eagerly finalising their preparations this weekend to give your children the best learning experiences, and will be excitedly waiting to meet them and give them a positive place to learn next week, and give them the best year yet! And just think, you have 46 weeks to psych yourself up for your next summer holidays......
AND FINALLY, please don't forget the following:
